Trapped In The Cage With Nicolas Cage

Oh goody, we're back into the weeds of awful Nicolas Cage movies with little to no redeeming value, and Nic's back to sleepwalking through paycheck pictures. 

Except for The Croods but that's our bad because we skipped on that one.

We're professionals so we went back to give Mom and Dad the full half-episode treatment it deserves because it's only slightly more terrible than The Humanity Bureau.

This episode shows us a rare juxtaposition of the dullest and worst Nicolas Cage has to offer with the wildest and worst Nicolas Cage is capable of.

Hey, it's our Fourth of July-week episode! Enjoy this rousing American tale of triumph over adversity through the filter of some of the worst filmmaking decisions we have ever experienced. Also, Nicolas Cage only bothers acting for one of his many scenes in this terrible picture.

One of these films is from an acclaimed writer and director, and the other is The Trust. Only one of them is even close to watchable. Find out which one is which on this week's episode!

A too-brief reminder that Nicolas Cage is capable of depth and subtlety. Just make sure you've submitted your ghost payments for the month.

Is this truly the End of Days, the time of blood and fire when the world is naught but suffering and pain until the Last Trump sounds, and the worthy are called to Paradise? Naw, dog, this is just two more terrible Nicolas Cage pictures.

We are in a dark, infinite jungle of bad movies, and there is no escape.

Hey look, it's the only good movie we get to watch for like twenty goddamn episodes.

How did we take a movie that's barely worth thinking about and discuss it for an hour? Josh has O*P*I*N*I*O*N*S on John Cusack.

Only one of these movies is halfway decent, but it's not the one you think it is.

2 movies so amazing we have to compress them into one episode! These definitely aren't two dumpster fire movies at all!

It's another, somehow lesser Ghost Rider film made for tax purposes and so Sony can hold onto the Ghost Rider IP for a few more scant years. Nicolas Cage, sadly, does not help proceedings.

It's time for the movie that killed a career.

This movie is a tiny pinprick of light in the all-consuming night of terrors that is Nicolas Cage's mid-to-late 2000s career. I'm so thankful for it that it just happened to be late and become our Thanksgiving show.

As he is the star that guides our faith and our holy path through this torrid universe, Nicolas Cage is the sole bright spot in this cynical turd of a superhero movie.

This movie is great, Nicolas Cage is great, but the title is undeniably piss. Piss that Nic Cage's character most certainly unleashed onto an unsuspecting prostitute.

Gerbils, guinea pigs, and star moles, oh my! We're talking about a movie where Nicolas Cage has no right to be doing this good a performance, especially as compared to literally everyone else snoozing through this movie.

The only thing worth knowing about Knowing is that Nicolas Cage and Alex Proyas should be ashamed of themselves for what they've done.